Im starting too...

...come to terms with the fact that i know absolutly nothing about life, peopleand how to do anything that society deems that i need to know.

this very intelligent lady i met a few months back sat down with me and we discussed many things on a deeper level, and it was amazing how you can have so much in common, mentally speaking, with a 50-somehting year old woman.
and she told me something very important; that it doesnt matter how advanced my analytical and moral intelligence is, i still need to figure out how to manipulate the world around me.

it got me thinking about how the greatest minds are be absolutely useless unless you find someway of actually applying it.
and it crushes me on a few levels that i dont know what im good at, or what i should do in life to make the most of what i have.
i have met only about 3 maybe four people who have seen my potential. but no amount of people will ever be able to tell me how i should live my life from a professional perspective.
this is so frustrating because i feel lke whenever i start to do something and becoem slightly good at it, i hit a wall. i feel like im limited, or having this learning difficulty. or some natural thing blocking me from being good at anything.
its so hard to be confident when you are aware of this.
im so scared about many things in my future, and htis is me formally admitting it.
its fucknig terrifying.
everything that i have ever loved has left me or hurt me, and im sick of the struggle.
im constantly paranoid that im never good enough, and for a good reason. like i said, about my learning block, and also with everyone hurting or leaving me.
like ffs i dont even have a good family anymore.
and i fucking miss them.
i just.

everything is getting to me, and for no reason.

and i try to tell myself to stop whinging, and that some people are worse off than me.
and its true. there are some people worse off than me.
but i have never met them, and i have no way of knowing when my struggles will be easier. im trying so god damn hard.
i moved 700kms to a city i dont know with fuck all friends, no family and no guarantees.

im so appreciative of what i have though, dont get me wrong.
there are two people that mean the world to me.
and one of them im trying so hard to do the right hting by. i want to be their everything. i want to prove that i am worth it, even if it seems like i am nothing atm.
i just dont know how to express myself normally. im so paranoid over ifnding hte line between being affectionate and controlling myself. which is so hardcause im such a fucknig leech.
i dont mean to be, but im justso scared of loosing something.
like to you it may not seem like much, but to me its everything.
and im sorry. its unfair.
and you shouldnt have to feel like you need to make me happy.
so dont. do what makes you happy, because thats all i want.

ok. im sorry. i couldgo on all day.
but in closing it sucks that i have noone to vent htis all to.
noone i can share myself to without feeling like a useless burden.

this is me.

endlessly trying to become something, anything admirable.

stay true.

/skipping editing, because i cbf.
thanks